A Rational Fear
A Rational Year — The best sketches and selected bits from 2022
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Dan Ilic is still on holidays so he asked his good friend Alan Jones (who was surprisingly available) to host the end of year wrap of all of our sponsors.
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This podcast is supported in part by Australian ethical.
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This episode of irrational fear was recorded on the land of the Darrel wall people. Sovereignty was never ceded. The first step to treaty is the voice. Let's start the show.
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A rational fear contains naughty words like bricks, Canberra, fed GM and section 40. Have a rational view recommended listening by immature audiences. Hey, a
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rational fear fear mongers Welcome to a rational year. This is where we rip through the highlights of the year in one little podcast so you don't have to spend more than you know about an hour or so listening to us but if you can, and you want to in person, we are going to be performing live for you around Australia very soon. We are going to be at the Adelaide Fringe Festival march for Brisbane at the World Science Festival March 26. And we are going to be at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival April 2. In fact, our Melbourne lineup is so big. In fact, we've called the show irrational fear has too many guests for a one hour festival show spectacular it is going to be a lot of fun, and I can't wait to do it. So join us then in Adelaide, Melbourne and Brisbane in the first half of the year. But right now, I'm going to be handed the mic over to a good friend of mine, Alan Jones. Alan,
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welcome to rational fear. Good morning, dad. Do you know who else has too many guests? No Christmas dinner and Scott Morrison said.
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Well, thank you for coming back to host the end of Year special.
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Good to be with you.
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When you hosted last time 30 people unsubscribed from the email list and six people cancelled their Patreon memberships. Yes, well,
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you know, go woke go broke. What were the listen to numbers like well, it was the most listened to episode we've ever had. Well, there you have it. You know, my own internet show on YouTube has registered its 15 subscriber. I'm more popular than Anthony clear in an area after party. Well, Alan, the floor is yours. Take it away. Thank you, Dan. Good morning, everyone. I'm back hosting irrational year. This show is dedicated to the most important people in the country, the sponsors of irrational fear. Yes, we'll celebrate them all in this very special episode, the highs, the lows and meet in between. This is genuinely cash for comment. Okay, let's kick it off from a message from one of most popular podcasters in Australia called Mark No, not Mark Latham. The other one.
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Imagine your true crime podcast hosts tracking down some of the grisly murders ever committed in Australia, only to discover that they're all already covered by other True Crime podcasts. That is the moment I discovered something so terrifying in myself that I had no choice but to turn it into a blood curdling audio experience. Hi, I'm Mark Fidel, and I host the true crime podcast is not for now. A murderer. Yes, he is. Come with me as I investigate a freshman that I come in each week until I get caught. I pick victims out at random from the white pages. I know shocking. How did I find the white pages in 2022? To find out you'll have to listen to is Mark funnel a murderer? Yes, he is available only on Audible and as a transcript from criminal court and while you're there check out my other podcast stuff Mark stall and that murder guy. Shit. I have to go now by
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Coronavirus. Remember that God I barely do. I failed COVID-19 away in my brain in the same place where I still have memories of when the Wallabies lost when a match got. Well back in January 2022 The New South Wales government gave up on Coronavirus to, to them all of a sudden it no longer existed, just like climate change.
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49,900 the New South Wales Government is changing the way it's counting Coronavirus cases because we only learned how to count up to 50,000 89,999 50,000. From today if you have symptoms of Coronavirus, you'll have to acquire a rapid antigen test through a series of physical challenges in your local district. The winner of each district will battle it out for the title of state champion who will then be given one rapid antigen test. And if that person tests positive they will then be added to the daily count.
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We've got one more that 50,000 plus one
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and if you've done report your positive test result you will be shocked oh my god Max is so hot from all of us at the New South Wales Government may the odds be ever in your favour.
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countdowns on radio are still a big deal when I was still on to GB we used to have the hottest 100 liberal Prime Ministers of all time, Scott Morrison took out the top 50 Well back at generate the woker radio Triple J insisted on starting a new countdown.
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Hey Veronica Milsom here to remind you that you've only got two days left to submit your favourite years for the hot is 100 now with over 2000 years to choose from, we want to know which year you think will come out on top as the hottest year ever.
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I thought 1989 was pretty high. No, no,
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it's not when you will asked hot the temperature of Earth.
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Oh gosh, it's gotta be 2007 that's the year I was born and my mom was in labour for like four hours and that was
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hot. Yeah, okay, I can understand from a friction perspective. But once again, we're talking about the earth's temperature.
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You know, the hottest year was actually at 90 and the Earth has been getting colder every year since I'm sorry,
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is this Senator Malcolm Roberts?
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No. It's round from the from the ABC.
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Get ready for the most predictable countdown most of the world is ignoring the hottest 100 years ever. Spoiler alert, it was last year. It's always the last year.
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Cash flow coming is disgusting, which is why you'll never hear me do it. But if you want to support a rational fear, simply log on to patreon.com forward slash a rational fear and chip in as little as $5 a month to keep this podcast kicking along Patreon. It's like Centerlink for comedians. And when it comes to cash for comment, no one knows more about it than our political class.
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In these uncertain times, it's important to be fiscally responsible
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our nation's on the edge of an economic cliff
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with very little interest in interest rates
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at a record low 0.1%.
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And with the stock market sliding faster than a Test cricket out into your DMS $50 billion wiped off the value of Australian shares. Today there's only one place to put your money that will see guaranteed returns political donations. starting as low as $25,000 you can be guaranteed enormous returns such as $21 million of subsidies and grants for your fossil fuel projects. That's the return of 840% Imagine how many politicians you could buy off with that kind of fuck you cash. Ask your financial advisor if political donations are right for you. Political Donations is as safe as houses owned by parliamentarians in Canberra.
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Jason says apply check the PDS for details. Oh actually there is no PDS just a handshake.
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So you know, whatever. No rules come February of 2022. As Scott Morrison was tackling eight year old boys and the footy field Australian was overrun with election fever. Everyone I know wanted Scott Morrison to win again including my former friends at Channel 960 minutes.
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Sunday 60 minutes goes behind the doors of Curability house to present Australian politics like you've never seen before. It's hard. The Prime Minister Scott Morris Good morning tag and journalist cosplay. Calm Stefano
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pm Good morning to you.
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You know our long succession very hard journey from behind from Prime Minister to A prime Daddy, I gotta tell you, I'm coming from breakfast television journalist to chief of scomo staff. Well, it's 60 minutes of Walkley award winning 69. And then you put the finger through their watch Carl Stefanova get large to buy Scott Morrison in the launch
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the big stick Sunday on nine and nine now.
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I would like to see if you would marry me love your
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God. That was the longest 60 minutes of my life, which is why I prefer my ads for the Liberal Party to be snack sized and presented in the aisle of the chemist warehouse.
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We all want our kids to grow up healthy and not on fire which makes rising temperatures in and around the home a bit of a nuisance but if you want to do absolutely nothing about them Miko past the Liberal Party of Australia not only has the Liberal Party of Australia received donations in excess of $5 million from fossil fuel companies since 2012. Unlike other Australian political parties, the Liberal Party of Australia comes with a unique formula that combines heavy investment in the gas industry with no meaningful plan to transition to renewables or electric vehicles making them the perfect party to guarantee Australia contributes less than our fair share to the global efforts to tackle climate change. So if you want to stick your head in the sand and feel it get harder and harder, why not give the Liberal Party of Australia ago today bland power helping you vote better?
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Come April 2022, the Melbourne International Comedy Festival played host to a rational theatre God knows why. We're former Australian of the Year Grace time dalliance didn't stand up for the first time ever. I remember what I did stand up for the first time ever. It was at my ACMA hearing for the coronella riots. I would never get me.
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Ah, yes. Oh Crikey. What am I doing here? I'm not a comedian. But if you look up the Venn diagram of me, and these guys, you'll find that it's not actually a Venn diagram at all. It's just a great big flashing circle that says go to therapy. Yes, the natural progression from very serious Law Reform campaigning is self roasting. When Dan asked me to do this, he said, Can you please do a monologue that is topical. And I'm on a serious mission to not talk about anything political, because everyone's been accusing me of being a hack. I know that makes things a little bit difficult. So I'm really sorry to disappoint you if you came to hear me make jokes about a certain someone. I know the temptation is very real. He is like a giant self sourcing comedy putting.
Is the joke dessert that answers itself? You don't even have to tell him he just goes and grabs the ukulele all by himself.
To get around that issue, I've decided instead to reflect on one of my favourite TV shows from the early 2000s. My Little Pony Friendship is Magic. Which Believe it or not, translates quite well to the landscape of Australian politics. For example, the leader of Equestria Princess Celeste year has let down Australian voters yet again, with her willingness to greenwash her government's reliance on fossil fuels to neighbouring neighbouring Yes, the pawns. The pawns are coming to neighbouring pony kingdoms. She's also very sensitive about a tail tail that she wants shattered in old McDonald's farm in 1997. All right, I'll stop. I'll make a deal. Just don't shame survivors on primetime TV don't under fund support services protect alleged rapists stab people in the back bully people pork barrel. You see we've got a bit of an imbalance daily people.
Ah, yes, that naughty little flying horned party. Anyway, what I've decided to talk about this evening has absolutely nothing at all to do with politics whatsoever. And that thing is air fryers. Stick with him. Actually, I suppose they are a little bit political as one of my favourite comedians. Mark Latham has accused me of being since the airfryer came about. It has in some ways, divided the nation. That's the real Mark Latham. By the way as he calls himself on Twitter. All the other Mark Latham's are not in one nation. So will the real Mark Latham please shirt front? Sorry, I promised I wouldn't get political. It's just that I had to give him a shout out because one of the chaser interns the other day was saying that my home Tasmania isn't a real place. So I figured if Tasmania isn't real, at least I can keep living rent free in real Mark Latham was head
yeah, it's pretty much just me, Rosie Batty, the 2004 election results. And pretty much well, actually, everyone who isn't a straight white man. Probably why he's so mad all the time. It's pretty crowded up in there. And you Anyway, where was I? Yes, the humble airfryer people seem to love it or hate it. What is this cheeky little unit that just popped up? Out of nowhere? How could there possibly be this smaller version of something that does things we've already been doing this whole time. Only it gets to the point a bit quicker and cuts out all the crap
Most of its criticism seems to come from people who don't like change. But really, it's just a lightweight, metal clad Basket Case inside a pressure cooker that has a little vent and no filter Are you
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catching my drift? That's an aeroplane, by the way. Doesn't really matter does it because if you're not a fan fan Guess
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what I'm really trying to say is, if you don't like it, don't buy it. And that's not a political help my friends. That's just a life hack
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right when I ripped off the April 2022 page of my New South Wales Fire Brigade calendar, it was clear the election in May was going to cause things to heat up. Ray Martin joined irrational fear for a quick history lesson on the Liberals greatest ever mistake. John Hewson,
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a story begins in the Americas. You know, it is the birthplace of Joe Rogan. In 1987, the US stock market crashed, sending shockwaves around the global economy. At the same time, we were experiencing our own 80s hanging over there we were sitting on a housing bubble that was just about to end the years leading to the 1993 election. Were bad. How bad? Well, unemployment reached 11% 10,000. People went on the DOL in a week. And both the Victorian and South Australian state banks collapsed. The treasurer at the time you may know him as Prime Minister poor feeding. Well, he called us the recession that Australia had to have. So it was no surprise that going into the 1993 election. The opposition's John Hewson was the front runner, with some papers calling the election unlovable. But to win, he would need more than a big lead. He would need a big plan. A plan a so big it would save the economy from going down the drain. It included sweeping tax cuts, slashes to government spending, and at the centre of it all the introduction of a new 15% Goods and Services Tax. You know it is GST? He hasn't had all his bases covered. All that was left was to name that anything. It needed a name that the country could rally around a name that inspires grit and resolve. He called his fight back. Despite its simple name, fight back was complicated and confused voters. Maybe Worst of all, no one could get their head around what g is T would actually mean facts in hand and ready to face the nation. Houston sat down for primetime interview with a current affairs Mike Willacy, who would change the course of the election with one simple question.
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If I buy a birthday cake from a cake shop, and an GSDs invoice to pay more or less for their birthday cake.
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We may never know what went through John Houston's mind when he was asked the cost of a birthday cake. But we imagined that it might have been something like this
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cake to teach us okay. Oh shit. I've got fingers milk, right even lollies. Dammit, John, you idiot. How do we miss cake? Or at night? This is what we train for cake. Mom's chunky cake. I can almost taste it. Okay, two cups of self raising flour. That's 15 cents plus GST for one cup of sugar 10 cents. Vanilla essence. Always remember to lick
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the spoon. Shit, shit. Okay,
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experiments. Well, it will depend where the cakes today in that shop are subject to sales tax will they're not? Firstly, they might have a sales tax on them. Let's assume that they don't have a sales tax on and then that birthday cake is going to be selling to tax free. And of course you wouldn't pay it would be exempted which there would be no GST on it. Under our system. If it was run with a sales tax today, it would attract the GST. And then the difference would be the difference between the two taxes whatever the sales tax rate is on birthday cakes how it's decorated because there'll be sales tax perhaps in some of the decorations as well. And then of course the price. The price will reflect that according
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smelling blood Mike Wallasey with him for the cube has found
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the birthday cake. I've been trying to make a simple example. You tell us in what you've published that the cost of cake goes down, the cost of confectionery goes up. That's icing and maybe ice cream, and then just candles on top of
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luck. How can I forget candles? Johnny will
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stick right in candles as you say that attract sales tax. And of course we scrapped the sales tax yet before
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the public reaction with instant the GST ruin cake. And Houston's mistake was fatal. The interview gave Paul Keating everything he needed to take five back to its knees and to win the election. It's been said that he is the never again ordered dessert, and he prefers to spend his birthdays alone. And while we may never know if fight back would have saved Australia, there's one thing we could all agree on. Take it away, Mike.
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That the answer to a birthday cake is so complex. You do have a problem with the overall GST GST.
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The cost of living is out of control. Do you know in 2022, I had to sell my Southern Highlands estate. I just sold my Northern Highlands estate. I had to sell my Western Highlands estate so I could buy a Gold Coast mansion. It's ridiculous what's a child was baby boomer to do. Thankfully before they were booted out of office, the coalition had a good idea to solve the housing crisis.
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The federal government is working hard to ensure all Australians have a home with check builder. We're building 10,000 new homes over the next 100 years using the most sustainable resource known to the coalition novelty sized checks. Previously, every single novelty sized check that a coalition politician gives to a scout Hall sporting club or small business had to be shredded at a bag in a novelty sized shredder. But with cheque builder, they will be turned into social housing. Rest your head each night in a room constructed of Scott Morrison's broken promises I'm very okay with the idea of building car parks to take your morning dump surrounded by the signature of Bridget McKenzie, I am very proud of the sports grants programme all stand in your kitchen surrounded by million dollar views of million dollar checks made out for Josh Frydenberg car parks that never got built
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with respect to the car parks in my own electorate. They haven't been built as yet.
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And the more promises the coalition makes the more houses we can build with cheque builder. And that's a promise you can take to the bank, Authorised by the novelty size government run by novelty sized men Canberra.
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But it turns out giant novelty checks have a supply chain issue after elections. So the coalition joined forces with the mining industry to solve the housing crisis with another policy.
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The Morison government is serious about the future of Australians. That's why we're introducing whole sicker Australians will now have the opportunity to access $50,000 of their superannuation to buy their first bunker.
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I'm all in on the side of those who want to buy a hole with hole seeker
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live out the rest of your life hiding 10 metres underground from whatever catastrophic shitshow the world is hurtling towards who cares what 50k might grow into in 30 years time? Will there even be banks in 30 years, or a job to retire from or air withhold seeker your children and their children's children can feast on canned food or share oral histories about the outside and develop innovative ways to drink their own pee. While the earth witnesses an apocalyptic nightmare of biblical proportions.
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It boosts their ultimate retirement incomes, because they're investing in their own home the best investment anyone ever makes.
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No matter if you're a first bunker buyer or buying your third investment bunker, sign up for whole seeker and vote for the coalition if your main concern is the cost of living on this planet.
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I believe buying a hole is the best economic decision that you can make
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authorised by oh my god, you can't be serious. How far can you kick this can down the road before it all comes crashing down Canberra
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may 2022 and election promises came thick and fast, including a new proposal to keep crucial death machines operational.
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At the Australian government, we know that coal powered electricity plants are running out of time. On one hand, they're old, expensive, and make climate change worse every minute they run. But on the other hand, the coal industry also provides critical baseload donations to the LMP. So that's why we're launching coal keeper. We're spending $7 billion a year to keep coal powered polluting clunkers running way past their use by date. That way the LNP can get more donations from the coal industry to stay way past our use. By Date, the government could invest in new wind, solar and storage that renewable energy is too clean to give us donations, called keeper. A reliable source of donations at the cost of only four $100 per household per year, and everyone's existence
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it's with regrets that in May we bid farewell to every single one of Scott Morrison's ministries, which at that point we knew nothing about, and Australia went to IKEA to pick out a new cabinet. Also, the so called comedian Mark Humphreys bid farewell to one of his characters to Barabbas loins live on stage at the Sydney Opera House for the irrational fear 10th birthday, which you could listen to only on Patreon. Please welcome the rabbits login.
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Rabbits Thank you very much. Good eye on nationals MP Barabbas loins member for awful seed and until recently minister for tow bars and Special Envoy for McLeod's Daughters. Let me first say a big hello to those in the nosebleed seats. And normally that's the people at the back that after some sinus issues at my recent press club address, the first couple of rows should prepare, prepare for some splashback. Two weeks ago, the Australian people made a foolish error, electing a government that can't be trusted on energy policy. The coalition's policy, however, is crystal clear, and it is this, the sun doesn't always shine, and the wind doesn't always blow. That's really all we know about whether in the coalition. And I look forward to taking that level of expertise to voters in another three years time. But even more tragic than the change of government was the decision this week by my colleagues to remove me as leader of the National Party. But fear not. This does mean I will have much more time to focus on what really matters. Writing my memoirs. Inspired by Don Watson's portrait of Paul Keating recollections of a bleeding half, I was going to call mine recollections of a bleeding loins.
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But focus group testing suggested people found that unappetizing even more so than that Mark Latham Alan Jones cookbook. It's an older reference, but I'll stick with it. Reluctantly, I went for something more tasteful. Hence the title, loins, warts and all. There's a lot more like that. My publisher was worried the title will make people think that the book is all about STIs when in fact only one chapter is devoted to genital warts. Now I know I know Ernest highway or Franz Kafka, but I think my writing think about it. Well, I think my writing is pretty good. Goins warts, and all may not win the Man Booker Prize, but, but it has been long listed for the Andy Griffith kids writing competition. I can also recommend the book to those participating in the MS readathon as it has been known to leave many readers with neurological damage.
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So for your enjoyment, here's the taste of loins warts and all coming soon to all underwhelming street libraries. Okay, dedication. I dedicate this book to my oldest friend Trent. Trent is my youth. Chapter one. Call me Ishmael. When I asked Siri what a good opening line for a book would be she said that. But I think Siri should have said call me Barabbas because my name is Barabbas Ishmael chapter to the affair. I will never forget when I first saw her. I had an excited feeling down below. I usually only experienced during state of origin. I knew it was wrong. But the loins wants what the loins once she was cab and I wanted to give her herpes even though obviously I don't have herpes. Please consult the footnote for results of my STI test from 1998. It was a classic boy meet staffer story
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the kind of romance you've read about in numerous workplace culture booklets. I was driving. I was driving her home because my electorate of Appleseed has banned Uber in favour of our own ride sharing app Utah. It's a good app because every time you ride with you to you get to ride in the youth and to show her that she holds a special place in my heart and groyne we stopped at a Mac as drive thru as I want That's the way she tantalisingly scraped a chicken nugget around the edge of a container of sweet and sour sauce. I knew it was on for young and old. She was young guy was had nothing to lose but our careers and standing in the community. I put the CD player on Joe Cocker as you can leave your head on. Not that I need a judge's permission, mind you. Visual, visual gag though it is a helpful reminder that the ladies that the Cooper doesn't come off for anyone. And although it's not in the song, I believe Joe would have also wanted me to keep on my RM Williams, which I dutifully obliged. Are you wearing protection? She asked. Yes, I said, thinking she meant the Cobra with a UV factor of 15. Plus, I wasn't taking any chances. We were like two ships passing in the night, except where one ship repeatedly rammed into the other one.
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It's really good mark.
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It would be ungentlemanly of me to detail our passion any further. But that's not what was agreed to in the contract with my publisher. So I must push on. If the interior of minus and Navarro could speak, I imagined it would say something like for I have to say I would be inclined to what have I done? I would be inclined to agree with the interior. That night I wasn't the Minister for Infrastructure and Transport. I was I was the special envoy for getting it on. As well as bleeding the Joint Standing Committee for inappropriate use of Snagit. was more as it was heaven. I even said the correct name on more than one occasion. That night, we went on a one way trip to pleasure town with a brief detour by Streetsville because I suffered a hell of a cramp in my left calf, and needed to stretch for a bit. Thank heavens for the generous legroom of the Nissen nivara. Little did I know that pleasure town would not be our final destination, as we will be driving right on through to baby city, not a literal city, but a metaphor for the miracle of childbirth. I don't think God is the final page. When I found out she was pregnant, I knew it was time for me to accept responsibility and do the right thing. So I got down on one knee and said, Let's keep this secret until the media finds out. It was a difficult pregnancy, photos of my pregnant partner was splashed on the front pages of major tabloids, which infuriated me as I had hoped to sell them to the highest bidder. It was also difficult for my four daughters, but Abby, Burr, Emily or Eleanor and brassica. Dad, you've slipped up but no matter what we still love you is what I imagined they would say if we were still on speaking to. The birth was also difficult, especially as the obstetrician insisted that I not reach into my partner's cervix to retrieve the infant like I would do with a baby calf. That's the line okay. Good to know. Prior to the birth of my son questions had been raised about his paternity admittedly by me, but as soon as he appeared, He emptied his bowels. And as I looked at him, they're causing a complete mess and drowning in his own shit. I knew once and for all that he was definitely mine. Thank you very much.
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Thank you, Miranda.
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Owl Barabbas Lloyds, I'll miss having our casual off the cuff conversations about small modular nuclear reactors with you over a few drinks down at our local Pontus Chairman's lounge. And a note here about a rational fear sponsor, Australian ethical. Since 1986. Australian ethical has been managing the investments and superannuation for everyday Australians. By investing ethically, Australian ethical avoids human trafficking weapons, fossil fuels and gambling you know, all the stuff I'm into. These people don't have taste. Big thank you to Australian ethical. Come August Anthony Albanese had 100 days of office under his belt, and much like me when I've got anything under my belt, he was determined to shake it loose and show how different he was.
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The Australian Labour Party is finally in charge. But don't worry conservatives. We're not here to shake things up. Good governance means more of the same but different, more of the same petroleum exploration but not on Sydney's North Shore in the Southern Ocean. More of the same destruction of sacred sites and song lines, but not for iron ore, for gas.
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whatever our differences in political parties we share a love for coal seam gas drilling.
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And yes, we know it looks like we've rushed into passing a bill on climate action. But don't worry, it's weeks Pearson won't change a thing.
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The Australian people voted for change. And we intend to give them nothing.
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Australian labour same suits, different tie. In September 2022, irrational fear performed at the Festival of Dangerous Ideas and event that even I, Alan Jones, the facilitator of the race ride have never been invited to perform at a GOP cow. It's during the show on Australian secrets, Kate McClymont gave tips on how to avoid
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right, I am going to give you some tips tonight on how to avoid me. So I find now that often when I ring people up, I can hear them and I say oh, it's Kate McClure I'm on here I can hit and go. But anyway, if you want to be secret, one of the things I want to advise you is not to buy a voice distorter. So I did have someone ring up to give me some very highly confidential information. And they'd gone to the trouble of buying a voice distorter. And it did sound like a crazed robot. But the information was absolutely fabulous. And I said at the end of the conversation, thank you so much. And now I can get you on this number. The safe forgotten. Voice distorter number still came up. Don't buy voice disorder. And too. If you want to remain secret, please use Australia Post snail mail, it's still the best way to send things. However, if you are one of the unburied family, and you are sitting there sending me death threats, please wear gloves. Your fingerprints were on the envelope. And on the inside. So gloves if you really don't want to be caught. And one other thing I'd like to advise Eddie obeyed was in the past. When I rang his office to get some questions. He forgot to hang up. The phone on and I listened for 20 minutes, as they discussed how they were going to lie to me what they were going to say. And in the end, I had to call in on the office. And I said look, Eddie, it's been so lovely hearing you talk about me. It's been so lovely hearing your plans. However, I really need a comment and I just heard them go off. They hung up. Another thing is that when a major crime figure has died, don't go behind the crypt at the funeral to discuss where the money is. This happened at many Macpherson's funeral, and I'd already been threatened. So I thought I would hide behind the crypt on the other side of the crypt, whistling the McPherson solicitor, who was chatting away about where the money was hidden, what companies they had. So that was very handy. And having said those things, I do want to just take one moment to say that I am also an idiot when it comes to, you know, giving my own things away. Louis reminded me today that I accidentally sent a pin with my location on it to the head of the Hells Angels. Caitlin climber is here. Not so good. Then I sent a photo of my ear. How would you take a photo of your ear and send it but I sent that to one of my colleagues who thought I somebody had cut it off and I was and then the last thing I did was that I did have my phone in my pocket. And I sent a whole lot of gibberish to Twitter. And people contacted me saying should they call the police had I been kidnapped? Had I been kidnapped? And was this a secret cry for help? So I would just like to say that I too, like many of the criminals I cover am an idiot.
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October 2022 politics in Australia became so boring. We all started to tune in to the UK politics, which was like reading Harry Potter for the first time.
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To outsiders the conservative party may look like it's a fucking on new Sham. polls. But to those of us on the inside, we're staying true to our promise to get Britain moving under the Tories, more British people than ever are moving to Europe. Thanks to the Conservative Party, the people of Britain are moving vigorously to keep warm, but the Conservatives are also walking the walk as a party. We're all moving offices every day moving, moving, moving. In fact, there's so much movement at Downing Street. There's a shortage of movers, even Prime Minister trusses looking at her poll numbers and having movements of her very own.
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I am determined to deliver
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the Conservative Party getting Britain moving figuratively, and literally
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watching UK politics for the last week. It's been like trying to catch up on a sci fi TV show you've missed a couple of seasons of the baddies is still in charge but all the characters have kind of changed you kind of don't know where the story is at. Joining us now to shed light on what the hell is happening over there is satirical comedian star of McTell week hosted the DMS are open podcast on radio for extra and a cracking Twitter feed. It's Athena Coupland. Welcome, Sina.
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Thank you for having me. How are you?
41:14
Good, good, you know, full full kind of disclosure. Rick suggested this story. We all looked at we all looked at each other. And we're like, none of us know what is actually happening. We need an expert What the hell is happening over there in the UK?
41:30
The fact you've called me tells me how desperately important you are. And the last I mean know even the politicians themselves that said last night they had a vote they might not be aware but like in Parliament, when you have a vote you either vote on the issue or if your party is in crisis, you vote says a tentative vote on the party. That makes sense. So last night, they were going Do you like fracking or not, but because the party was in such disarray, the break was going to turn into do like the conservatives or not basically this is a bit Fisher Price politics. Right. So
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seriously, looking at your political system, it's like looking at Harry Potter. Like we didn't know.
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It, just say like a fracking is like a really important issue like causes earthquakes, right? Yeah, no, no, that's not as important is to like, come you're not like how is that?
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Yeah, it feels like a twist in like a reality TV show. You know, like, you know, you thought it was gonna be about fracking.
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This tastes disgusting when they put in a contest and that's been evicted. So like. So genuinely, the politicians didn't know if they were voting for fracking, or for the party this morning. I was trying to find out what was it about in any case, they ended up voting for earthquakes because earthquake because we were not on a top line and it's not fair. When you sit on a fault line, you get you know, you get quakes and so why don't we Why don't we create a natural disaster so we can be on the news today? I mean, we just got on the news.
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We've got a natural disaster though. It's the Tory party. You know. Fracking.
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Here is how ITV said what went down last night.
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It has been a night of astonishing scenes at Westminster with reports of jostling manhandling bullying and shouting outside the parliamentary lobbies in a suppose vote of confidence in the government. The deputy chief whip was reported to have left the scene saying I'm absolutely effing furious. I just don't effing care anymore before he resigned along with the chief whip, but we've just been told they have now officially on resigned. The Home Secretary has however definitely got insurance. It is total absolute abject chaos
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as well so this was a that was supposedly your vote on whether or not the parties have voted lose trust this trust risk the vote to even vote on herself. First of all it was she wants fracking she thinks it sucks he thinks it's important right and just security so she missed the boat on fracking.
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That's why she missed it she was she was pumping gas into the ground. She was busy fracking data number 10 Yeah,
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so she missed that I wrote to say that I like me. So this is why I suppose
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this is why I chose this subject because I don't know anything about it but I do know that it's very funny. And also I see a lot of myself in live traps like she's
understanding how money works or market
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right? I do love I love that like ITV at the at the end that like because my brain is working in like a music and radio station when I hear so like total abject chaos. with that thing underneath, I'm just waiting for like a dubstep drop to kick in
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reporters they seem to always have like such a sense of urgency that you could absolutely remix it and make it a sick club mix. Like
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I'm surprised it hasn't been done already, to be honest. And you have to do these. That's the reason why these things happen so they can go viral on the internet. That's what I think to be fair, I do think I'm being a bit cynical. I do think though, they're ramping it up a bit. Just a little clip of them going crazy can go viral, because the good thing about this chaos is it was it's been chaotic for about four weeks. What we've got now if you've got pitches on MPs Avenue Arch bargy in Parliament, but this has been this as the status has been the status quo you know, this is not this is not this last night in many ways is unremarkable. It's just it was just funny because I vote in Parliament you don't have bits of paper you literally you vote with your body you go through a yes chamber or no change it's really you
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don't you don't have a button
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so that's all happening was
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a please don't please don't think this is fisher price because we have literally no idea that's amazing.
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It's incredible so the chief whip said the chief whip says it's their job to get people to vote the quote unquote right way to vote with us not against us but because you're not going to get paid for you have to physically move people if the right chamber right so what was happening last night it was they were literally getting them by the exit or whatever. Like apparently there was a bit people were like saying it was like brilliant, like they were like apparently,
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Jacob Riis. Mog was one of the people manhandling which is like noodle closet.
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If you let Jacob Riis, mog bad habit you get yourself to help still get some iron supplements. Protein shakes. You are withering away the cost of living crisis to doing something because Jacob Riis, mog made us do it. She came home from school, we said I'm being bullied and they've put in a kid and they're taking these Rob, I would kick them out of the house.
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And being bullied by like one of those car yard like
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I love this line from the chancellor Jeremy Hunt. He told a meeting of colleagues on Wednesday, he said according to someone in the room, this is what Jeremy Hunt said, this would be really interesting shit if I wasn't in the middle of it.
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Fundamentally, basically, is because there's an Elisa that has no authority. When she says jump, they all sit down and pick their noses. And when when they do what she says the markets go, What the hell are you doing? You're crazy. So they're in a weird place where they can't do what they've been told. Because what they've been told is horrendous, but not doing what they're told that government can't function. And so that's what we're saying about General Electric, which is horrible because no one likes elections. They're just horrible. You tell them the TV, listen, slow mo the child crying, or whatever some would call it because video. It's just very boring. I think we should just get the formality of a general election. And we should just just edit a coup, but a nice,
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nice, consider just going for Mauna Kea, like now you've got the king.
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I mean, you know, I mean for the crack. I mean
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what about a reverse Monica, you could have our prime minister roll over you it'd be great. Ya know,
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we like your one your new ones Nice. We'd like that do
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Undercover Boss but just to you know, live trust but
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you know, like a school you do like exchange student trips, and you go to France so the family and they stay with you. Let's do an exchange.
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Right? Yeah, I don't think we want Ms dress.
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It's such fun drama. It's real, like keeping up with it quite tangy. And then and
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like, it was just about work. It's very interesting. What's happened now is because and what people are forgetting is it. Boris Johnson two years ago, kicked all the reasonably smart people out of the cabinet because they were not on board this Brexit plan so if you're not with me or against me, any fill this cabinet with idiots. I mean, I don't even see those kind of people who probably weren't very skilled at what they did. And that's a one by one. We've lost anyone with a semblance of common sense. And now we're left with people who just like walking around and saying I'm important. And then you ask them to do something and they can't do anything because they're thick. And there's no one and no one in the back bench who might be good at it been in the cabinet wants to observe it. So that's been run out of options. Yes, yeah. Yeah. Read a book and get smart, but that's not going to happen. Well, that
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takes time. time and
50:01
your energy crisis.
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There's a real problem with the conservative party among many others. But you know, our conservative party they basically roll Prime Ministers whenever they want. They say let's get rid of this guy. Next week the next person in line, we've had enough of this person, but the UK Conservative Party has to wait 12 months before they can ever party motion to wrong someone.
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You know something all of these things mean nothing. They really do mean nothing. They just they say that but they'll just change the rules. They'll change the rules and I hope they I hope they do because it's because nobody wants to talk for months. I won't lie like they're looking for windup torches. I'm telling you how power power they kind of they prepared with the press releases and the news bulletins say you're in the dark sorry about that, or whatever. So I
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can recommend anything. It would be a solar foldout solar panel, you can charge your phone in the
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UK it climate change
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is bringing trust down and climate change is bringing this podcast down.
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It really was just leaves holding you all together, wasn't it?
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The crazy thing so we got rid of forests that can it can't get any worse. And now people are saying we need both shots and back. It's it's sort of it's sort of it
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for now. I even heard Theresa Mays name resurfaced
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where everybody roll carries.
I think he's not. Some college idli
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Rick,
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I'm aware of what he did. But he was just because I don't know why he was on my mind. I regret saying that.
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Come November 2022. The Australian transaction reports and Analysis Centre sent shockwaves through shonky betting agencies. And as the owner of Australia's most richest horse race, the Everest May I just say austrack are the finest institution we have in Australia. They're very talented, maybe even more talented than Anthony Kalia. So to austrack I say good luck out there boys.
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Oh no generic trading. What's that bloke man sports betting bet 365 are being audited by austrac Oh, what are the odds are that pretty good according to austrack
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the Australian transaction reports and Analysis Centre is bringing financial auditing to the palm of your hand stream every raid Live Trace every transaction be dockside for every judicial ruling. And you and your mates can band together with a sane investigation multi
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Oh put upon upon aiding and abetting money laundering. Yeah, and I'll put a dame Nellie Melba on funding terrorism a lobster on them getting off scot free. Better make it a tonne.
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austrac been put good pants or bad.
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Another month goes by another high profile data breach this time of a health company. If you ask me it's an absolute disgrace. There is only one way that the private information of an individual should be made public and that is on a breakfast radio show. Don't have these hackers no respect. Disgusting.
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At Medibank private, we regret the recent data breach of our customers personal information. And while the hackers tried to convince us to pay their ransom as any of our customers trying to lower the cost of life saving medical treatment will tell you we never negotiate. That's why Medibank private is rebranding as of today will be known as Medibank public. So whether you have your first leaky bomb, like Phyllis Thompson of six fo in place Wangaratta or your third STI like Gustav Montague of 35 to brookstreet bonobo Queensland four to seven five whose blood type is so positive and mother's maiden name is Vaughn summer and has three points left on his licence and he's so heavily laden with debt that an extra $5,000 in fees won't make that much of a difference to him tax file number oh three one double 9381 You will get the same overpriced service without any more data breaches. Because it's too late. It's all out there now anyway. Medibank public, we feel better now that there's no more secrets.
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November 2022. So the kickoff of the biggest sporting event in the world since I used to coach the wallabies, the FIFA World Cup, nothing more joyous than a month of men running around in their prime for 90 minutes. It's ballet for the commoners.
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This Sunday, the entire globe descends on Cata for the event no one will talk about it's the turning a blind eye World Cup
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football players that's up picking a champion eto for the wildcards alleged Oh J Trump every game as a loser. There are just lots more losers and football teams playing Oh, I've seen
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jockstraps treats better than the construction workers in Qatar
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32 nations will go head to head and then turn their heads to look the other way.
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Oh no. They've completely mistakes. Look at that. The exploitation, the corruption, the discrimination, the total inability to buy a beer.
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Which country will rationalise the cost of kicking around a ball on a field in a country without fields?
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I've gotta say cats are is hosting the most awful job that I've ever refused to witness and the final stories migrant deaths 6500 versus the world now, interest
55:39
get ready to ignore all of the action further turning a blind eye World Cup or ticket will buy you a whole seat that was installed by someone who died of heat exhaustion.
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The Emir of Qatar has come to his senses. It's true. I have come to my senses all stadiums must go at the Qatar Black Friday sale aid barely use stadiums are going for next to nothing. Coincidentally, they're also currently standing next to nothing pristine seats, unused beer taps, mystery bones in the foundation. I don't know how that got there. Perfect if you're hosting your own World Cup ideal for creating an internment camp or if you're a New South Wales premier just wanted to buy a stadium to knock it down to get your mates to build your new one just like it these stadiums cost $200 billion, but could be yours for a shitload of sheep. It's not a bad deal. Qatar's blackFriday stadium sale an opportunity like this won't present itself until an autocratic regime bribes FIFA to make bad decisions again.
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It's our culture. Please respect it. Also in November, Anthony Albanese had his first ever bilateral with China's President G. And judging by the press conference afterwards, it sounds like we're getting married. Thank you, everyone. Yes, thank you. Okay, ready. I want to thank President sheet for a productive conversation. Sure, Australia and China have our differences. China has a problem with disappearing protesters. We know exactly where ours are under very strict bow conditions. China is increasing coal use. We are far more into gas. China's indigenous populations face imprisonment, relocation, theft of their land, reeducation, discrimination, forced labour and organ harvesting. We don't do the organ harvesting part. But despite our differences, there's something China and Australia can agree. The best way to support work is to help rich people get richer. Thank you. No questions. What about the questions? Oh, nope. There's another similarity. I forgot about repressing press freedoms and I forget that we're becoming more and more like you every day. As December rolled around New South Wales, Premier Dominic ParaType got into the Christmas spirit by saying that jailing of a climate protested for stopping traffic on the Sydney Harbour Bridge for 20 minutes was quite pleasing to see. You know, what else is pleasing to see Anthony Kalia Live in Concert? Now there's someone who could stop traffic. One a voice.
58:14
On the next season of Wentworth, a new contender for top dog has arrived at the prison.
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I took a knife and I put it in the side of my husband's abdomen and then I let his intestine spill out across the marble floor of our harbour side mansion. So new fish, or the UN for
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iPad to track on the Sydney Harbour Bridge.
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Your time total badass.
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I then delay traffic for about 20 to 25 minutes. Why would you do that? Because our government isn't doing enough about climate change. Girls.
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I resign. Coco was the new top dog around here.
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And if you come for the king, you better nothing carbon positive.
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It's a whole new level of disproportionate justice. This season on web only on showcase which is on something called Foxtel.
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Ask your parents about it. And finally a word from our King though not me the real King King Charles who just this week gave his first Christmas address.
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It's now easier to read your majesty just put it back the words are clearly on it. Look, I wrote it in Comic Sans. I want to read it in comics in Yes, Your Majesty.
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Good evening subjects and people who live in countries we forgot to invade when times were better. King Charles here to wish you all a very Merry Christmas. Just another one of the many goddamn jobs I've had to learn to do at age 75. Did you know that I also have to be the head of the church to Christ almighty. 2022 was a year of challenges for us all. Mummy died and one had to use a blasted inkwell. This year, we're thinking of those suffering at the hands of cancelled culture, namely, Netflix, Hulu subscription we've cancelled for the entire palace. Our thoughts and prayers also go out to those who are suffering under the rule of governments undergoing bloody cool, like in the Kingdom of Great Britain. But there is always hope. For those of you concerned about mommy's legacy, don't worry. It's in good hands. Sure the hands are a little puffy and red, but working fine. Nevertheless. So from all of the top tier Royals, except for Andrew, we wish you all a Merry Christmas. Oh, God, dammit who put this bloody tree here? Why is it inside?
1:00:51
Just get rid of it. Just get it get get rid of it. Your Majesty. Of course, your majesty a tree with
1:00:57
lights and shit all over it. You can't go chopping down trees with the environment. Bloody hell.
1:01:07
Well, that's it for rational faith in the year 2022. Big thank you to everyone who listens to the show, especially those people on Patreon who chip in a small amount each month to make it happen. Also a big thank you to Jacob round on the teppanyaki timeline, all of the comedians of Australia who come into play with us and until next year, there's always something to be scared of. I'm Alan Jones.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
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