Coffee Calm Connection

032: The power of listening with Robert from Samaritans

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Episode notes

Have you ever opened up about your feelings and felt heard, but not listened to? Do you want to learn how to be a better listener in order to help others when they open up about their personal struggles?

In this episode, we’re very grateful to be speaking with Robert from the Manchester and Salford branch of Samaritans, a telephone helpline offering support to people who are struggling from emotional distress, mental health difficulties, or contemplating suicide. In conversation with Coffee, Calm & Connection’s Sarah Myerscough, Robert elucidates the immense power of listening as the most fundamental tool for supporting people experiencing all forms of emotional anguish. He suggests that each and every one of us has the power to become part of the solution to tackling the mental health pandemic which has enveloped the nation and, indeed, the world, over the past decade, which has been particularly emboldened over the past two years. By striving to actively listen and giving people space to articulate their thoughts when discussing their struggles, we can actively make the world a better place.

 

Quote of the Episode

“As humans, we are meaning-seeking creatures. We're constantly looking to understand who we are, and how we fit into the world. We do that through language. But there's also something that's absolutely fundamentally healing and empowering: by feeling heard by another human being.”

Robert emphasises that, as social beings, we all derive a deep sense of fulfilment and connection through conversation with those we love and trust. He suggests that this is further emboldened when we endeavour to always actively listen to what someone is saying when they are expressing how they feel, rather than merely hearing the words. To create an environment in which someone can feel truly safe and empowered to express their feelings, we must create the space for them to speak freely and uninterrupted. In doing so, we can enable them to actively process whatever it may be that they are going through, emboldened by the presence of someone who is paying attention to and understanding every word they are saying.

 

Key Takeaways

When someone you love informs you of a troublesome experience they have undergone, or emotional difficulties they are experiencing, you may feel inclined to offer practical solutions to the issues they are raising. You might approach these difficult encounters with pre-prepared answers, with which you interject, to invite your loved one to stop feeling distressed, or sad, or anguished. In doing so, you are only hearing what this person is saying, and not truly listening to them.

In the episode, Robert lists the various issues which can arise from interrupting someone with these, albeit well-intentioned, interruptions:

• They can derail the person’s train of thought
• They can undercut what they have just said or are about to say
• They can swerve the direction of the conversation to avoid discussing anything that we may find uncomfortable

In order to avoid these pitfalls, you must understand that the purpose of this conversation is not to provide solutions or practical advice, but merely to assure the speaker that you are listening to them, understanding what they are saying, and by doing so assuring them that their feelings are valid. We all occasionally experience worries or troubles that we can’t yet fully comprehend, and it is only when we articulate them out loud that we understand what is truly going on within ourselves. As such, by creating an environment in which someone feels able to speak freely and uninterrupted, you are enabling them to say things they haven’t predetermined, which can often be profoundly enlightening for them.

It can sometimes be difficult to know what to do or say in these situations. They need not arouse panic or dread. The other person doesn’t need anything from you other than the comfort of divulging information to someone they trust, and the validation of receiving your full attention.

Robert notes that the most common complaint when someone has experienced a distressing situation or injustice is that ‘Nobody listened to me’. The feeling that often hurts the most is the belief that no one has listened to how you feel, or cares to listen. Therefore, giving your undivided attention to someone in distress, providing them the space to speak freely, and allowing silences in the conversation to breathe, can be the most powerful form of support you can offer.

 

Best Moments/Key Quotes

“When we jump in with a fix, we're often thinking of a fix that would work for us. Because we're looking at the situation through the lens of our own experience.”

‘The most powerful part of the Samaritans’ listening style is the rule of silence.’

“One of the big things is silence and learning to use silence is really, really powerful… We often feel quite uncomfortable with silence, partly because we want to help you, we want to give advice. Silence is just a bit uncomfortable. But if we if we just sit with that discomfort for a while, then it does pay dividends, because the work is being done in the silence.”

“For Samaritans, listening is literally our only tool. We're talking to people, we've no idea who they are, where they are… we can't intervene, we can't enforce anything. All we can do is listen.”

‘It's never a mistake to ask somebody, ‘are you okay?’, and to stay around and listen for the answer.’

 

Resources

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman

Samaritans: https://www.samaritans.org/

If you need help or support, contact the Samaritans by calling 0800 116 123

 

About the Guest

Samaritans is a British charity offering emotional and mental health support to people across the UK and Ireland via a telephone helpline, which is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. The charity has 200 branches across the country, 20,000 volunteers, and answers around 10,000 calls every day.

 

About the Host

Sarah Myerscough is the Sales and Marketing Director of Boston Tullis Group and the M.D and creator of Coffee, Calm and Connection.

 

Connect with Sarah

https://www.instagram.com/coffeecalmconnection/ 

https://www.facebook.com/coffeecalmconnection 

Coffee Calm & Connection | LinkedIn

Sarah Myerscough - Sales & Marketing Director - Boston Tullis | LinkedIn

 

Hosted by Sarah Myerscough

DISCLAIMER

The views, thoughts and opinions expressed in this podcast belong solely to the host and guest speakers. Please conduct your own due diligence.

Website: Coffee Calm & Connection (coffeecalmconnection.org)