The Fertility Podcast
Adoption – with Notafictional Mum
Listen on
Episode notes
As we head towards the end of this series, we really want to make sure you know about all the other episodes we have, which you can listen to via www.thefertilitypodcast.com
We’re having a break at the end of the month and will be back in November but will be reminding you through all of our channels of other episodes so you’ll still have plenty to listen to.
This week we catch up with Not a Fictional Mum (NFM) who we actually spoke to in December 2020 and then didn’t get to publish the chat until now. If you follow her on insta you will know she has had an incredible year and is doing so much to change the narrative about Adoption especially in retail.
We start off by chatting about her decision to start her Insta, which was after her friends told her to use social media in a positive way and she threw herself into it and she has aced it. She wanted to make people stop and read to get her messages across. She has decided to stay fictional and not share photos. She spoke about the heartbreak of finding out their family wasn’t going to be created as they’d expected and how she has made a point of not sharing who had the infertility issue.
What happened after getting the diagnosis of infertility
They had a free cycle of treatment on the NHS which was all consuming and tough. They did numerous rounds, experienced a miscarriage, spent £25,000 on treatment and it was really taking its toll on their mental health. Once they were told it wouldn’t happen naturally they were already talking about Adoption. However they wanted to try everything so they didn’t have any regrets and Kate talks about talking with clients about trying everything before you ‘close the door’
Making the decision to Adopt
The weight was lifted once they decided that this was going to be their route, although it had taken a long time to grieve what wasn’t to be. Every decision she had made previously was all around the treatment, she felt like a robot. Once the decision was made to stop, she felt she had a sense of herself back.
Adopting a child will not replace the loss of a biological child. These children are their own people with their own background story and their rights to know that.
How much needs to be done about how we talk about Adoption?
So much. NFM talks about how it needs to be talked about it early years at school during sex education, all the routes to parenthood should be discussed, so her little boy grows up knowing its just another route.
People are curious / nosey about an adopted child and the more we talk about it the more it will be normalised. People whisper the word to you, you can hear it in their tone of voice.
There seems to be a stigma about it which is sad. We need to understand it on a wider scale.
Obscene questions asked about Adoption
- Who is it with the problem, you or him?
- People are obsessed with his background - his real Mum, his real parents
- What are you going to do when he grows up, if he wants to go and live with his real parents?
- Do you think you love him as much as you would if he was your biological child?
Thousands of cups of tea with a social worker and the matching process
Time is so precious when you’ve spent so many years trying.
NFM talks about how she never felt she wasn’t being asked anything necessary or obtrusive. You can find out a lot about yourself and your partner if you open yourself up to it.
Matching was the most difficult - stage 1 and 2 there is a lot of onhold support as you have to fill in a lot of paperwork and being interviewed.
Once approved it goes very quiet which is difficult to manage as then you just have to wait to be matched. You can’t rush it. Profiles that are suitable will come as and when. NFM found that part very difficult.
Wanting to adopt a baby
NFM has been open about wanting a baby and had closed herself off with children over 1. She talked about being embarrassed about it thinking back, because there are so many wonderful children needing to be adopted.
Her social worker reminded her how she wanted a ‘big personality’ which is hard to know with a baby. It made her think and they widened their search to under 2 and then found their little boy.
He was described as mischievous, loved dancing and singing, loved cheese and roast dinners - all ticks in their eye and this little boy was their match.
Barnardoes
Offer free lifetime support for you and your children which is so important. We also talked about impact of Covid on people not being able to do the things we were, all adopted children suffer early attachment trauma. See links at the bottom.
NFM shop
Something that had bugged her was trying to find a card that paid recognition to adoption in any way, yet there was nothing for a parent for a woman becoming a mum through adoption.
NFM went to John Lewis to look at buggies and the store assistant said ‘when is the mother due’ and she found it heartbreaking in so many ways and set out on her mission to raise awareness of retail inequality in the UK. It’s so important and it upset her that there was nothing to buy.
When she wanted a top for her ‘Adoption Shower’ she had to order a top from the US and couldn’t find any cards. We loved hearing about this celebration, despite it being a rush as they only had two weeks to pull it together, yet they did and celebrated in style. The cake said ‘together as one’ and NFM talked about how it was such a ‘real moment’ where they felt like any other couple, having sat through watching so many others getting their family and they really felt they had got there.
NFM sold her wedding dress and quit her job and has created a range of clothing and accessories and cards for fertility warriors and adopted parents and 10% goes back to Barnardoes. Children have already faced a level or rejection and you can buy your dog a birthday card and not your adopted child.
Staying anonymous
NFM talked about her decision not to post pictures and share their names and how there is such a level of responsibility to protect your child and not overshare information and put him at risk. She is passionate about only wanting to share certain snippets and does it in a very clever and considered way.
SOCIALS: